Landover Spoof

Do You Hate Your Mother As Much As Jesus Hated His?

Landover Baptist Spoof? Or Are They Serious?

Mother's Day is really no different than any other pagan holiday. Its object is to get you to the mall and then trick you into worshiping someone other than Jesus.

As True Baptists, we must come to terms with the full knowledge that Satan's burning whore of Babylon, the Catholic Church, is behind every shameless secular holiday. With Mother's Day, the foul stench of papal involvement couldn't be more obvious. Because the ring-kissers have made a history of whipping their psychosexual cravings for Jesus' mother, Mary, into such a fever pitch, that they spend all their time worrying about what went into her Holy Vagina, leaving no time to worship what came out of it - Jesus!

Hell-bound Catholics (as if there are any other kind) would have you believe that Jesus loved his mother. But the Holy Bible tells us differently.

Jesus said, "If any man come to me, and hate not his father, and mother . . . he cannot be my disciple," (Luke 14:26). So it is perfectly clear that we are called upon by Christ to hate our parents.

Fortunately, as sweet Jenna and Barbara Bush have found, this isn't a very onerous expectation. We may spend our entire lives doing our best to emulate the Lord Jesus, but rest assured, we will never match the utter contempt and intolerable scorn that He had for His own mother. And that's not even getting into what Jesus felt about His Daddy! But imagine what you would feel like if you knew your father was out to kill you only to make Himself look more forgiving to others!.

Can you imagine being doted and hounded by your own mother as much as Jesus was from His? Even for a Jewish mother, the woman was clearly a pest. Scripture reveals to us that she was an insufferable leech when it came to her precious Son.

Once, when Jesus was attending a sleazy wedding party in Galilee, His mother started pestering Him to perform one of His magic tricks when they ran out of cheap grape juice. Jesus turned to her and said, "Woman, what have I to do with thee?" (John 2:4).

He must have been so fed up with His mother's incessant nagging (and her insisting that He accompany her to such a trashy event) that He turned six vessels of water into Welch's grape juice just to get her to shut up for the rest of the day. And when Mary gulped down a big glass of unfermented wine she became furious that she wasn't getting the buzz she craved and said things to Jesus in language that the editors of the Gospels refused to even transcribe.

Mary was always trying to make a momma's boy out of Jesus, but He just wouldn't stand for it. He was more of Daddy's boy. But He even got fed up with His own Heavenly Father in the end, as well. He did everything His Daddy God asked Him to, but when He was slapped onto the cross like a slab of raw meat, He was all alone shouting, "My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?" (Matthew 27:46).

And while Jesus was hanging up there, being barbecued in the hot sun for the sins of mankind, He was still able to muster enough strength to look down at His confused mother and scream, "Woman, behold thy son!" (John 19:26). This was the Judaic equivalent of "Well, I hope you're satisfied!"

Jesus' words there reflect a smug satisfaction through His pain and suffering that He would never again be subjected to a life of having to impress His mother's friends at Jerusalem tea parties with His super powers.

The good Lord would only perform one more trick before leaving this world: to cheat death. And it wouldn't be for His mother. He became undead for all of us! Particularly those of us here at Landover Baptist and other Bible believing churches across America! Glory to God!

But you better believe, during His brief time as a freshly resurrected corpse He wasn't even tempted to seek out his yenta harpy of a mother to spook her! No sir! He hot-footed right back to Heaven!

So this Mother's Day, we encourage you to make it a Bible-friendly day by sending your mother a little card to remind her of how much you and Jesus loathe her. By sending this card you will have proof in your file on Judgment Day that you actually did follow Jesus' commandment to hate your mother.

And you can join Jesus in slapping your knees and having a big old belly laugh as both of you watch your mothers slide down a greased shoot toward the unquenchable fires of an everlasting Mother-welcoming Hell. To God be the glory!