Christian Nudity Included In Latest Rash Of Nut Stories

By James Donahue

The most recent batch of stories displaying Christian "end time" craziness includes some of the usual visions of deities but now there is something strangely new. It seems that we are having cases of indecent exposure involving ministers and priests caught running around the countryside in the buff.

In Frederick, Colorado, the Rev. Robert Whipkey, 53, a priest serving about three small Catholic parishes in the area, was caught by police jogging in the nude about an hour before sunup. Whipkey said he usually wears clothing while jogging but didn't think anybody would be around at that time of the day. He exlained that he was running in the buff because he sweats profusely in his clothes. He is charged with indecent exposure, and if convicted, will be registered as a sex criminal which probably won't be good for his career. The Archdiocese of Denver says it is waiting the decision of the court before deciding how to deal with Whipkey. Remember that any form of sex, even trotting around in the nude in the dark, appears to be an evil sin according to Catholic/Christian doctrine.

Even worse, the Rev. Tommy Tester, the 58-year-old pastor of Gospel Baptist Church of Bristol, Tennessee, and an employee of Christian radio station WZAP-AM, was arrested on charges of indecent exposure and driving under the influence after he was allegedly observed "relieving himself" in front of children at a car wash. When the cops pulled him over, they found Tester wearing a woman's skirt and there was an open bottle of vodka and an empty oxycodone prescription bottle in the vehicle with him. To make matters worse, police said Tester offered the arresting officers oral sex as they were putting the cuffs on him.

In other church news, Catholic Bishop Tiny Muskens of Breda, Netherlands, stirred a fuss when he suggested that Catholics start inserting the name Allah instead of saying God. He said he thought using the name Allah would help ease tensions between Muslims and Christians. But a survey conducted by the newspaper De Telegraaf, showed that 92 percent of the more than 4000 people who responded to the poll opposed the idea. A spokesman for Amsterdam's union of Moroccan mosques said the Muslims did not ask for such a gesture. And letters to the editor were filled with ridicule for the bishop. It appears that George W. Bush and the Catholic Pope have truly succeeded in re-kindling the Crusades.

A court in Lincoln, Nebraska is dealing with a strange lawsuit filed by state Sen. Ernie Chambers of Omaha that names God as a defendant. The suit accuses God of making terroristic threats, inspiring fear and causing "widespread death, destruction and terrorism." The case was being treated as a joke until lawyer Eric Perkins of Corpus Christi, Texas, filed a response on God's behalf. It reads that "Defendant denies that this or any court has jurisdiction . . . over Him any more than the court has jurisdiction over the wind or rain, sunlight or darkness." The rebuttal also "contends that any harm or injury suffered is a direct and proximate result of mankind ignoring obvious warnings."

In Boothwyn, Pa., Paul and Felicia Teske say that when Felicia cut open an eggplant and found the word "GOD" clearly spelled out among the seeds. They called the local television station, got their story on the air, and now are considering selling their "miracle" slice of eggplant on ebay.

And we can't end this roundup without including the story of the "miraculous" appearance of the image of the Virgin Mary on a garage door in Minersville, Pa. The image makes its appearance at 6 p.m. It was first seen on Aug. 15, the day of the Feast of the Assumption of Mary, and now about 400 people show up every evening to witness this apparition. The more skeptical crowd is suggesting it is an optical illusion caused by a reflection from the setting sun.